Closer To Me

I know that right now is a moment.

I know that what I feel and who I am in this moment has the potential to change.

I know that this moment right now does not define ALL of who I am or predict ALL of who I will be.

But right now…

I feel dishonored.

I feel used up and tossed aside.

I feel confused because I thought I was valued, but actions are illustrating otherwise.

I feel replaceable…even though I gave more than I thought I could have.

I feel disregarded…even though I gave more than I probably should have.

I considered you.

I regarded you.

I thought of you many times before I thought of myself.

I put you first.

I jumped when you requested.

I said “how high” and “how many times.”

I committed to you and pushed through my struggles to ensure your success.

I sacrificed my time, my energy, my resources, my peace, my sleep, my day in and day out to help cultivate your vision and manifest your dreams.

I put ME on hold to allow you to prosper.

And now that I am realizing for the first time that I can choose ME…after years of choosing you…

I feel exactly what I thought I never would.

You “loved” me when I was doing for you.

You “honored” me when I was slaving for you.

You “cared” about my well-being when it meant that I remained in a position of servitude to you.

Now that I’m choosing to move on…

Where’s the love?

Where’s the honor?

Where’s the care and the phone calls and the check-ins?

What happened?

I’d really like to know.

I wanted so badly to believe that it WAS genuine.

I still do.

But right now, actions speak so much louder than words.

Right now, I feel that I mattered when I mattered…

And now the mattering is done.

This makes me sad.

But I am learning that man will not always honor you.

Man will not always see YOU or your sacrifices.

Man may not ever realize how invaluable you truly are.

But the ONE who CREATED you does!

And when your work and live your life for HIM, it becomes less and less important how man treats you or if man honors you.

So, I REMIND myself…

That right now is a moment.

I know that what I feel and who I am in this moment has the potential to change.

I know that this moment right now does not define ALL of who I am or predict ALL of who I will be.

I just have to…

ACKNOWLEDGE it…

UNPACK it…

PROCESS it…

RELEASE it…

and CARRY ON with my purpose journey.

Lord knows there are so many MORE MOMENTS ahead of me.